Are You a Great Conversationalist?
December 2020
By Deb Boelkes
Do you enjoy engaging in conversations with people you have not met before? Do you look forward to attending gatherings where you may not know anyone? Do you think other people enjoy conversing with you?
I can honestly say that I find virtually everyone I meet to be amazing. As a result, I really enjoy engaging in conversations with people I have not met before. Like a detective, I can’t wait to hear their story. But, truth be told, I haven’t always been this way—quite the contrary, as a matter of fact.
Early on, my natural inclination was to shy away from gatherings full of people I didn’t already know. If forced to attend such events, I would be likely to offer a polite excuse to make an early departure. But then, if I had the good fortune to engage in conversation with someone who I found interesting, I would happily stay to the end, knee deep in rapt discovery.
Back when I entered my first job out of grad school as a Systems Engineer in a Fortune 100 technology sales organization, I was happy to meet with new customers whenever the sales rep I supported asked me to go out on sales calls with him. Once introduced by him, I was quite happy to ask questions and learn about the customer’s business challenges. But if asked to call on someone I did not know, all by myself, I was petrified. I had zero self-confidence that I could even open the door.
Finally, one day, I came to realize that people love to talk about themselves, their challenges, things that interest them, and things that matter to them. All I had to do was ask good questions, listen to their stories, and give them positive acknowledgement—like an affirmative nod and a “WOW, tell me more.”
When I did that, not only would I learn amazing things, I discovered the people who shared their secrets with me to be quite amazing—even people who others had warned me were boring or not very friendly. When I finally discovered that the key to unlocking all this was to simply ask the right questions, my life dramatically improved.
I have thoroughly enjoyed engaging in dialog with new people ever since. I rarely find anyone to be boring. In fact, I tend to discover things even their best friends may not be aware of.
If you’ve ever read the ages-old book by Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People, you may be familiar with his story about attending a dinner party where he sat next to a man he had never met before, a botanist. Being genuinely interested in the man’s unique knowledge, Carnegie let the botanist talk on about exotic plants for hours, uninterrupted. At the end of the evening, the botanist eagerly thanked the hostess for seating him next to Carnegie, who he praised highly for having such exceptional conversation skills.
The funny thing was Carnegie hardly said a word the entire night. Carnegie admitted in his book that he simply found the subject matter so fascinating that he gave the botanist his undivided attention. For that reason alone, the botanist said Carnegie was one of the best conversationalists he had ever met.
Back when my youngest son was in high school, he happened to observe me out in the front yard, engaged in conversation with someone who just happened to walk by. After the gentleman I was speaking with went on his way, my son came out and asked me if I knew the man. When I replied that I did not, my son said, “Well, I’m really impressed that you are such a great conversationalist. You really seem to have a gift for talking to people you don’t know.”
To that I responded, “Well, did you notice, I wasn’t the one doing the talking? All I did was ask him a question and then he pretty much did all the talking. When you ask the right questions, having an interesting conversation with someone is really quite easy.”
I went on explain my secret: I honestly don’t have all that much to say. But I somehow find most people—even those who others think are quite ordinary—have had really interesting experiences or fascinating backgrounds. You just have to ask the right questions to uncover such things.
That’s actually why I so love what I do as an author. I truly look forward to meeting and interviewing anyone who has garnered a reputation for whatever it is. I love to ask questions about their lives and family backgrounds and whatever it was that caused them to become who they are today. Doing this is a joy for me. I am usually so impressed by what I discover that I can’t wait to share their stories with others.
One year ago I began the interview process for my next book, Women on Top: What’s Keeping You from Executive Leadership? Just before Thanksgiving last year, I had the honor and pleasure of interviewing Melissa Reiff, CEO and Chairwoman of The Container Store. I could have talked to Melissa—or should I say listened to Melissa—all day. Thankfully, every time her executive assistant would peek in the door to give us a time’s up warning, Melissa would say, “Please just give me 10 more minutes!” I think Melissa enjoyed our conversation just as much as I did.
I can’t wait to share Melissa’s insights with you, along with all the other amazing insights I gleaned while interviewing other women on top for this book (refer to my July 2020 blog to learn more about my interview with Meg Crofton, retired President of Walt Disney World Parks and Resorts Operations). As a matter of fact, I’m now writing two books, instead of just one, in order to share all the insightful lessons learned from the amazing women on top I have interviewed this year.
My message to you is this: When all the Covid-19 restrictions are finally behind us, don’t shy away from meeting new people or attending events where you may not know anyone. Instead, go right up to someone you don’t know and ask them what brought them there, and then listen. They’ll likely be relieved to have someone to talk to and you might be amazed at what you’ll learn. Before the event is over, even you might be the one who is praised for being such an excellent conversationalist.
I hope you’ll at least give it a try … and then let me know how it goes.