Power Women: Author Deb Boelkes On How To Successfully Navigate Work, Love and Life As A Powerful Woman
An Interview With Ming Zhao
How does a successful, strong, and powerful woman navigate work, employee relationships, love, and life in a world that still feels uncomfortable with strong women? In this interview series, called “Power Women” we are talking to accomplished women leaders who share their stories and experiences navigating work, love and life as a powerful woman.
As a part of this series I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Deb Boelkes.
Deb Boelkes is the award-winning author of Women on Top: What’s Keeping You From Executive Leadership?; The WOW Factor Workplace: How to Create a Best Place to Work Culture; and Heartfelt Leadership: How to Capture the Top Spot and Keep on Soaring. Her upcoming book, Strong Suit: Leadership Success Secrets from Women on Top, will be available in the fall of 2022. With 30 years climbing the career ladder within male-dominated Fortune 150 technology firms, Deb knows firsthand the challenges women can face in their efforts to reach the top. Deb speaks to corporations, industry associations, and universities the world over on leadership, career advancement, and creating Best Place to Work organizations. To learn more about Deb, refer to www.BusinessWorldRising.com.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to get to know you a bit more. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood “backstory”?
I was an only child. My father, born just before the Great Depression, grew up poor by today’s standards. My mother was an only child, born during the Great Depression. Both my parents lost their fathers early in life, so each of my grandmothers had to work during WWII to make ends meet. I admired them.
We were an average middle-class family. My dad was an accountant, and my mom was a housewife. Both were strong believers that I could do anything if I put my mind to it. They taught me “anything worth doing is worth doing well.”
When I was 8 years old, my father bought a business and relocated us to California’s central valley. Unfortunately, my mother detested living there. So, she took to drinking all day, for days at a time. From that point on, our home was not a fun place to be.
Once I completed elementary school, my father would take me to work with him on Saturdays, school holidays, and throughout the summers. He taught me timecard accounting and bookkeeping, algebra, geometry, and trigonometry.
Of the 200 or so employees who worked there, the two office secretaries and I were the only females in the place. I loved being part of the office staff and I enjoyed interfacing with the clients. I learned a great deal about running a business by the time I went to high school. My dad encouraged me to go to college and learn about computers. He knew little about them but believed they would be important in the future.
So, I started college as a Math / Computer Science major at the University of California at Los Angeles, although I quickly discovered I was not passionate about it and couldn’t imagine dedicating a career to it. So, I made a drastic change. I left UCLA and obtained an Associate of Arts (AA) degree at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising (FIDM) in Los Angeles. When I graduated from FIDM at age 19, I went to work full-time as a fashion designer.
Can you tell us the story about what led you to this particular career path?
From the time I was in junior high, I became quite an overachiever. I took pride in making most of my own clothes. During my senior year in high school, I was selected to serve on the Teen Fashion Guild for Bullocks department store, and I worked after school in a specialty boutique.
After obtaining my AA degree, I designed junior sportswear under Nordstrom’s private label for a while. I then took a job designing junior swimwear for a small firm owned by a dysfunctional married couple who yelled, slammed doors, and threw things at each other. It was there that I learned how not to lead a company.
Yet, as toxic as the owners were, I became increasingly intrigued with running a business. I loved going out on sales calls with our VP of Sales. I loved speaking directly to the buyers in the stores who bought my designs. I loved walking the factory floor, learning what I could do, as the designer, to make the production process easier for the cutters, the seamstresses, and the quality control teams; and I eventually became involved with the implementation of the first computer system installed to run our financial accounting applications.
I discovered I loved all the various aspects of running a business and wanted to become a CEO, but I believed I needed a business degree to be successful at the top. So, at age 24 I went back to school to obtain both a bachelor’s degree in business and an MBA in Management Information Systems at the University of Rhode Island when my naval officer husband was reassigned from San Diego to Newport, RI.
But a funny thing happened on the way to my MBA: I was offered an unpaid internship as an applications programmer for Raytheon Missile Systems division in Portsmouth, RI, where I earned course credits based on the number of hours worked during the semester.
The next semester, Raytheon offered me a paid part-time position which gave me visibility into the operations of a major corporation. This was the catalyst that caused me to take an entirely different career direction after grad school — into the world of technology. I guess you could say I went full circle — back to computers — as my father originally suggested. I just had to find the right path to get there.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began your career?
About 20 years into my technology career, I was asked to establish a professional services and consulting organization for another Fortune 150 technology company. About a year later, while I was building this new organization, another business unit within the company, a software-as-a-service (SAAS) operation — the brainchild of the Chairman of the Board — was shut down literally overnight due to unprofitable operations. Every employee in that organization was terminated without notice.
Understandably, the customers of this now-defunct business unit were extremely upset, having been given no advance warning that the plug would be pulled, leaving them high and dry without support. Irate CEOs immediately called our chairman, demanding we get back in the software business and threatening to transition all their other annual purchasing contracts with us to our largest competitor.
Within 24 hours, our Executive Committee assigned my new consulting organization with the task to assess whether there was any possible way to profitably deliver some acceptable solution to satisfy these customers. We were given 30-days to figure it out.
It was a Herculean effort, but my professional services team and I spent the next thirty days meeting in-person with the senior executives of the largest impacted customers. Very apologetically, we intently listened to their concerns, requirements, expectations, and priorities. To make a long story short, we came up with a novel approach, and to everyone’s relief, our proposed solution was a hit. We managed to save the day, so I established and ran this new business unit from the ground up, too.
A short time later, our senior executive committee and all sales managers from around the world met for the annual sales kick-off meeting at a huge hotel in Dallas. As everyone waited anxiously for the ballroom doors to open for the start of the meeting, I noticed the President of our company rushing through the waiting crowd, heading straight in my direction. While I knew our Chairman of the Board quite well, I had not yet met one-on-one with the President.
He exuberantly shook my hand and enthusiastically greeted me with, “I’ve been dying to meet you. I hear you are fearless!”
I had never thought of myself in those terms before, but he established a great reputation for me to live up to for the rest of my career. Thanks to him, that is just what I have done, and for the past decade I have dedicated my career to helping others do the same.
You are a successful business leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Throughout my life I have always prioritized doing what I love to do and do well. If at any point in my career I didn’t love what I was doing, I either redesigned my role or I moved on to another position that better leveraged my strong suits.
The three character traits most instrumental to my success, based on Gallup Institute’s CliftonStrengths terminology, are:
Achiever
Learner, and
Strategic.
CliftonStrengths defines an Achiever this way: “You have an internal fire burning inside you. It pushes you to do more, to achieve more. Your relentless need for achievement brings you the energy you need to work long hours without burning out.”
As a child, my parents told me that my grades didn’t matter as long as I did my best. Yet, they would quickly point out that I was probably not trying hard enough in the rare event my report card didn’t reflect straight ‘A’s. So, by the time I entered high school, if a term paper was assigned, I had it researched and completed within the first two weeks. In college and grad school, I had every research project done well before the deadline. I’m still like that to this very day. I rarely let a moment go to waste. People often ask me, “Do you even sleep at night?”
CliftonStrengths defines a Learner like this: “You love to learn. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about a new subject matter in a short period of time.”
I’ve always excelled leading global-scale projects that leverage what I call “bleeding-edge” technologies and have tight deadlines. In fact, I have quite a reputation for accomplishing extraordinary things never done before. To me, the more impossible the project, the more exciting it is. A marketing friend once told me, “Your personal tagline should be ‘Deb makes big things happen fast!’”
Over time I became an expert on international law and regulations impacting global technology manufacturers. Seemingly out of the blue, China announced that within six months they would institute new regulations for producing products in China. I instantly knew virtually all our accounts would have to comply. Doing so would be nigh impossible given the magnitude of the effort and the unrealistically tight timeframe. But we had no choice. Our customers stood to lose billions of dollars in finished goods that could longer ship from China if we failed.
I immediately provided our CEO and Chief Compliance Officer with an action plan that required unique processes to be implemented in each of our distribution hubs around the world. I was incredulous when their response was essentially, “Don’t worry about it. China won’t do this.”
But China did do it. And by the time our own CEO and all our customer’s CEOs finally came to accept what had to be done, there was precious little time. Fortunately, behind the scenes, I had gained concurrence from all the relevant executives worldwide to dedicate their best and brightest to the project in the event we had to institute my emergency plan, even though most everyone believed it would be impossible.
To make a long story short, we completed the massive effort with but a few days to spare. The crisis was averted, and we managed to have fun in the process. We certainly formed a more cohesive global team by pulling it off.
Finally, in terms of being Strategic: I can sort through the clutter to find the best route — which is not a learned skill, but a distinct way of thinking. I can see patterns where others see complexity, and I can easily evaluate alternative scenarios and anticipate the obstacles to efficiently select the best path forward. The above two stories just shared exemplify this.
Another example would be when I ultimately left the corporate world to address the conundrum of why so few women were in executive leadership in major corporations. To do so, I had to identify the patterns and the obstacles that women and enterprises everywhere were struggling with, and in many respects still are. As an entrepreneur for the past decade, I’ve been dedicated to the advancement of high-potential women to senior leadership in thriving workplaces where employees are inspired to be at their best and where high-performing teams consistently deliver WOW results.
Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the primary focus of our interview. The premise of this series assumes that our society still feels uncomfortable with strong women. Why do you think this is so?
The assumption that our society feels uncomfortable with strong women may be an overgeneralization. As I see it, one’s comfort level with a strong woman is typically dependent upon on the behavioral characteristics of the woman.
Based on my personal observations and experience, society seems comfortable enough with strong women who personify charm, charisma, caring, integrity, and accountability. In other words, the kind of strong women society seems to accept are those who are credit-giving, heartfelt leaders who aren’t afraid to stand out as role models. People in general are not only comfortable with strong women such as these, they are attracted to them because they feel welcomed, valued, and appreciated by them.
The strong women that society still seems uncomfortable with are those who are domineering, condescending, accusative, self-absorbed, and power-grabbing. In other words, the kind of strong women society still feels uncomfortable with are those who exhibit narcissistic behavior. Think about it. Many successful politicians, actors, lawyers, and CEOs are narcissists. Some people are attracted to such women, but others are not. It depends on what’s in it for them.
I contend that women who are charismatic, giving, and caring, and who also exude self-confidence are somewhat rare in our society. Most women hold themselves back from positions of power. Based on my years mentoring businesswomen at all levels — many who have been identified by their executive officers as high potentials — I have concluded that without aggressive support and sponsorship, most women will fail to maximize their potential.
Society is full of smart, approachable women who could be strong and successful. Most of them just need to get out of their own way — if they only knew how. I believe society would accept them with open arms. Unfortunately, far too many women are hesitant to step up, speak up, and accept responsibility for their own success. This is why I wrote my most recent book, Women on Top: What’s Keeping You From Executive Leadership?
In our society, most men were raised by strong, caring women. Most married men have strong caring wives. Having worked alongside strong male executives for years, it seems to me most men respect and appreciate strong, caring, self-confident women in the workplace. Whether or not women feel comfortable with themselves or with other strong women in the workplace may be another issue.
There are numerous obstacles that can prevent women from achieving their potential in society. Some are cultural. Many are self-inflicted. My mission is to enable high-potential women to recognize both the self-inflicted and cultural roadblocks so they can close the gap between where they are and where they want to be.
When women make the effort to define and appreciate the value they could bring to the table, and they come to believe in themselves, others will appreciate and believe in them, too. It will be a win-win for society.
Without saying any names, can you share a story from your own experience that illustrates this idea?
We all face challenges in our interactions with peers and colleagues. The key is how we respond to these challenges and overcome them. It is something we can control.
A female friend of mine — a Fortune 500 C-suite officer — shared this personal story with me:
I think sometimes we mute ourselves. We should not do that. I think sometimes we let that little negative self-talker in the back of our brain rule the day. I think we worry too much about saying something that would convince people that we are not ready for the job, which is a cousin to muting yourself. We have a perspective, but then we will not share it.
For example, even though I’m talkative and I have a strong voice, I was having a mental block when I was in the VP role, and we would be meeting in the boardroom. Every time I went into that room, I turned into a mute person. I couldn’t speak above a whisper. I would just get completely drenched in sweat.
I had to train myself. It probably took about eighteen months, but now I don’t have that physical reaction anymore. Now I know that these people are my friends and we’re just going to have a conversation.
I think those are some of the biggest things that we do that hinder ourselves.
What should a powerful woman do in a context where she feels that people are uneasy around her?
One of the most important things you can do to help others feel comfortable around you is to just be yourself. Don’t try to be something you are not. Be authentic and caring and listen attentively to what others have to say. Don’t speak over them or down to them. On the other hand, don’t be afraid to respectfully disagree or offer your own alternative ideas and opinions.
The former Chairwoman & CEO of The Container Store, Melissa Reiff, offered some great advice which I included in my book, Women on Top:
Women must realize that being bullheaded or obnoxious does not pay dividends. We just need to be a little smarter and finesse things sometimes. For example, if you are in a meeting and you’re going to get yourself a cup of coffee, don’t hesitate to ask, “Who would like a cup of coffee? I’ll be happy to get you one.” Likewise, if someone else, regardless of gender, is heading to get some coffee, don’t be shy to ask, “would you mind grabbing me a cup, too?”
Keep in mind that life is a two-way street.
Lt. General Kathleen Gainey (US Army, retired) shared some great advice — also included in my book, Women on Top — about the importance of apologizing when you make a mistake that impacts others. In one case, she had received an email from someone and took it the wrong way. She immediately shot back with an email that she described as “very ugly.” I think we can all relate to this. We all get tired and do things we regret later.
General Gainey suggested that before you respond to an email that irritates you, refrain from using the ‘Reply All’ feature. Instead, write your response in a Word document — not attached to an email — then print it out, come back to it in an hour or the next day, and reread it. Then think about how you might rephrase it.
For example, she once instructed someone two levels down within her chain of command to take inappropriate actions — all because she had not taken the time to fully understand the situation.
The instructions she gave the subordinate negatively impacted several people. When she finally realized what had happened, she took ownership of her mistake in a very public way. This is what she did to make amends:
I sat down and wrote an apology letter. Then I walked down to see that individual and I apologized to him in front of his peers. I also left him my apology note, saying, “Wanting everybody else to know it was totally inappropriate for me to jump down two levels and not take the time to fully understand the situation.”
I didn’t take the time to wait, talk to his boss, and find out what the truth was. I was working off emotion, not facts. I didn’t even take the time to ask for the facts.
It was just a total embarrassment. But I was willing to humble myself in front of others and admit, “The behavior you saw me demonstrate was inappropriate and here’s my apology. I want all of you to see that I was wrong. This guy was right, and he was doing the right thing. I was lambasting him for it, not realizing it.”
Now, it takes a strong person to do what General Gainey did. But her recovery process was a class act and a great example of what a powerful woman can and should do in a situation where she knew she was wrong and now people were feeling uncomfortable around her.
What do we need to do as a society to change the unease around powerful women?
As every good salesperson knows, people buy from those they like. If others aren’t comfortable with you, if they don’t like you, if they don’t trust you, then they won’t likely buy from you. The same applies to powerful women.
In essence, true power is granted to you by others. Just because you have a lofty title does not make you powerful. Although you may be strong and forceful and have a commanding presence, unless others willingly and readily go along with your ideas, and feel comfortable doing so, you won’t really be powerful. Instead, you’ll drive people away.
My advice to powerful women is to focus on becoming a heartfelt leader if you aren’t one already. It’s up to you to do what it takes to allow others to feel comfortable, welcomed, valued, and appreciated by you. You must give others credit when credit is due. But realize that to be trusted, you must be authentic. People are acutely aware of when they are being manipulated. Manipulation drives mistrust.
Sometimes women in leadership are coached to behave in a certain way, as was one of my high-powered friends who accepted a position with a big-name financial services firm in New York City. For years she had set her sights on working for this highly respected, industry-leading company. When she finally landed the role, she became one of only a few women in senior leadership.
Shortly after joining the firm, she ran into one of the senior partners in the hallway. She immediately flashed her big, friendly, trademark smile at him, yet the partner’s face remained stone cold as he confronted her with, “You’re never going to be a success here if you continue to smile so much. You need to stop smiling.”
She was taken aback but assumed he was joking. She laughed and lightheartedly responded, “Robert, you’re so funny. How are you doing today?”
With steely eyes, he replied “I’m serious. You need to change your demeanor or you’re not going to make it here.”
She believed she had no alternative but to heed his advice and modify her behavior to appear more serious. When she shared this story with me, my immediate thought was, I wouldn’t have spent another five minutes in a place like that. Yet, she stuck it out for almost a year until she simply became too unhappy maintaining a false façade. She longed to be her genuine, authentic, pleasant self. By the time she finally left the firm she was miserable. The culture of the organization was a complete mismatch with who she was. Too bad she didn’t realize this before joining the organization.
Early in my own corporate career, as a new hire at AT&T, I went out of my way to observe the one and only female director level manager in our region. I never saw her crack a smile. It seemed odd to me that she was so surly, especially given she was the Director of Sales. Because of her demeanor, I had no desire to get to know her. I wondered if she had been coached to behave that way. I simply decided to stay away from her. Eventually she left the firm.
Later in my career, I was offered a promotion reporting to a female Vice President who most everyone chose to steer clear of. Several colleagues warned me not to take the position, saying she was too difficult to work with. Curious, I accepted the interview with her, just to find out what she was really like. Interestingly, we hit it off. She had clear performance expectations and she held people accountable to their commitments. But she was likeable, authentic, and loyal to the mission of company. I found her inspiring. I accepted the position and she turned out to be one of the best, most supportive bosses I ever had.
I’m grateful that in all my years in Fortune 500 leadership, I was never coached nor encouraged to be anything other than who I am. It’s important to me to serve as a role model in heartfelt leadership — inspiring others to become the best they can be, doing what they love to do each day.
If only more strong women stepped forward to do that, and felt comfortable in doing so, perhaps society would feel more comfortable with them.
In my own experience, I have observed that often women have to endure ridiculous or uncomfortable situations to achieve success that men don’t have to endure. Do you have a story like this from your own experience? Can you share it with us?
Back in my early days as a systems engineer at IBM, whenever I encountered one particularly rude IBM salesman, he seemed to take great pleasure in looking down his nose at me as he towered above my petite frame. He made a habit of calling me “Honey,” and more than once said to me, “Now don’t you worry your pretty, little head about this. I’ll handle it.”
Inside, I wanted to deck him, but it was clear to me that he acted like a jerk to everyone, not just toward me. Yet, it took me a while to figure that out. While I initially took it personally, I finally realized he was a flat-out narcissist.
Eventually, I learned to just ignore him. Whenever I saw him enter the office, I would engage myself with someone else, or leave the room, or make a phone call. I let the other guys in the office deal with him. He was simply not worth my time. How he succeeded as a salesman, I will never know.
It wasn’t until years later that I learned from my dear colleague, the renowned psychiatrist and author Mark Goulston, MD, “You aren’t going to change a narcissist. When he cannot create a win-lose situation in which you lose and he wins, he’ll need to come up with something more workable.”
Along the way, I occasionally had other close encounters of the infuriating kind with certain other macho men who seemed to take pleasure in making inappropriate remarks when women were around. I quickly learned to make my presence known whenever I entered a room full of guys telling off-color jokes. I would usually say something like, “Okay, guys, recess is over now.” Then I would smile sweetly, wink at them, take my seat, and change the subject. It didn’t take very long before their inappropriate remarks ceased to occur when they knew I was around.
Things seemed to work best for me when I was straightforward with people and acted as though I belonged in the room, because I did belong in the room. Likewise, I made sure my manager knew when and why I believed I deserved a promotion, or when I believed I had a bright idea that could benefit the business. By doing so, I was treated as an equal by virtually all the men I worked with.
In your opinion, what are the biggest challenges faced by women leaders that aren’t typically faced by their male counterparts?
One of the biggest challenges many women must deal with is the responsibility, as a mother, to stay home to care for newborns or sick children, home school the kids, care for frail elders, or serve as the primary back-up baby-sitter when daycare or school is closed. While it’s not always this way anymore, in general, women still tend to be the primary caregivers in the family.
Juggling career with motherhood is one of the most frequently requested topics when I’m asked to speak in public, or when I’m asked to lead a discussion group for women in leadership programs. I’ll be addressing this topic in detail in my upcoming book, Strong Suit: Leadership Success Secrets from Women on Top.
Another challenge women seem to struggle with more than men is battling with the impostor syndrome. Of course, everyone feels self-doubt from time to time. It’s a normal human condition and can serve a healthy purpose. Yet, those feelings of uncertainty can hold us back, even when we already have everything that we need to step forward and accomplish great things.
Even some of the most successful business executives and military leaders suffer from self-doubt occasionally. Some well-known Fortune 100 executives have publicly admitted, after the fact, to living out their careers feeling like fakes — while appearing to the world to lead highly successful lives.
Women’s business associations and corporate programs designed for women in leadership routinely ask me to speak on this subject. When I first started speaking about the impostor syndrome, I would go into those events expecting to speak to a roomful of women. But to this day, there will almost always be a number of men, including CEOs, in the audience. While the women attendees will be on the edges of their chairs, nodding their heads in agreement while I’m on stage, it’s the men in attendance who will seek me out to ask questions before my talk, or they’ll hang around afterwards to engage with me one-on-one and thank me profusely for my many hints and tips. That said, I believe women struggle with impostor syndrome on a more regular basis than men.
Another issue that women leaders seem to struggle with more than men is one I call the fear of heights. I discovered this while running my leadership development program, when many of the high-potential women — who were selected by their senior executives to participate — confidentially admitted that they were reluctant to accept an executive level position.
Akin to the impostor syndrome, women are more afraid they won’t be able to, or know how to handle executive level responsibilities. I’ve had to remind them that no one steps into any CEO position knowing precisely what to do. Men, in general, have simply learned to believe in themselves more, that they will figure it out. They also seem to enjoy competing for the top spot more, thanks to that alpha-male syndrome. For many men, getting to the top is the objective of the game. Women, on the other hand, don’t tend to see their career as a game, but something to perfect.
Women also seem to fear they will be lonely at the top. Perhaps this is because there are so few women in such positions to befriend. On the other hand, men typically have several colleagues and golfing buddies they can call on and converse with, in such roles.
It’s sad that women who enjoyed strong bonds of friendship with peers at lower levels tend to feel they must divorce themselves from friendships as they climb the ladder, fearing it’s not wise to play favorites. That may be true, but it doesn’t mean you cannot have friendly, trusting relationships with peers and industry colleagues, or everyone reporting to you.
Let’s now shift our discussion to a slightly different direction. This is a question that nearly everyone with a job has to contend with. Was it difficult to fit your personal and family life into your business and career? For the benefit of our readers, can you articulate precisely what the struggle was?
I married my first husband when I was twenty-one, early in my career as a fashion designer. I already knew I wanted to run my own business, so I made a deliberate decision to delay having children until I was well-established in my career. I wanted to feel totally capable of handling my career along with whatever challenges would undoubtedly come with trying to be a role model mother.
By the time I turned 28, my family and friends were asking “why don’t you have children yet?” Some admonished me, “You can’t wait forever, you know. The clock is ticking.” Succumbing to pressure from others, I finally decided I could handle it and had my first son. I kept working right up until the evening I went into labor. When my six-week paid maternity leave was up, I went right back to work.
At that time, the hardest thing for me to deal with was finding someone who I trusted enough to care for my infant son in the loving, caring way I instinctively did as a mom. But being the over-achiever that I am, I just doubled down. I relished the joy of being the best mom possible in the times that I was home — in the early mornings, at night, and on weekends. Meanwhile, I also relished being back at work.
Son number two was born nearly three years later. This time I hired a live-in nanny — which made my life much easier. With a nanny, I was better able to manage my now increasing travel schedule without panicking about delayed flights or getting stuck in LA’s rush hour traffic at the end of the day. The arrangement seemed to be a perfect solution to me, but it became obvious my husband wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom. I just couldn’t do that. I loved both my career and my children. I wanted to have it all.
So, my husband and I split up a year or so later. About that time, IBM offered me a promotion and a paid relocation to Phoenix, so I accepted. The promotion enabled me to raise the boys in the style we were accustomed to in California, on my salary alone. Meanwhile, I racked up tons of frequent flyer points flying the boys back and forth between southern California and Arizona so they could spend plenty of time with their dad.
Another year later, I remarried, and life was wonderful. Flying the children back-and-forth on weekends was acceptable until my oldest started school. Then it became clear that the boys needed to be settled in one place, at least during the school year.
Unfortunately, the California family court was emphatic that California had jurisdiction over the children’s whereabouts. The court decided the boys must attend school in California. They would live with their dad during the school year and with me in the summer. That decision was devastating for me.
To continue to have it all, I had to return to California. Thankfully, my new husband was an angel and agreed to do whatever would work best for our family. So, I upended my career and moved back.
Upon my return to California, the boys requested to spend equal time with mom and dad, every other week. So that is what we did. It was the next best thing to perfect, under the circumstances. I moved just a few miles from their dad, I arranged for the boys’ afterschool care, and made all the arrangements for their summer activities. This arrangement worked well throughout the rest of their growing up years.
While I wouldn’t recommend what we went through, I must admit that having the boys with me every other week worked out well for my career. By the time both boys were in school, my job entailed a great deal of travel. For some of their growing up years, my job was even based in New York. It worked because, at least at my level, I had the flexibility to just be in New York — or wherever — every other week. I was able to work from home during the weeks the boys were with me.
Neither the boys nor my ex even knew I worked in New York. They simply knew I was home and attended all their school and extracurricular events every week that they were with me.
What was a tipping point that helped you achieve a greater balance or greater equilibrium between your work life and personal life? What did you do to reach this equilibrium?
The tipping point was when I married my second husband, thanks to his total support and undying love. He has been my soul mate for 32 years now. From day one, he was willing to do whatever it took to make everything work for our respective careers and family. A bit older than I, he had already raised a son who was by then out on his own. Because of his previous experience as a parent, he knew how important it was for both parents to be role model partners in life and fulfilled by their jobs. We made a great team in terms of raising happy, responsible, and successful children.
I work in the beauty tech industry, so I am very interested to hear your philosophy or perspective about beauty. In your role as a powerful woman and leader, how much of an emphasis do you place on your appearance? Do you see beauty as something that is superficial, or is it something that has inherent value for a leader in a public context? Can you explain what you mean?
My perspectives on beauty may be a bit different than others’ because my first career was as a fashion designer.
As far back as when I was in high school, my appearance has always been important to me. While it wasn’t the most important thing in my life, my professional appearance, demeanor, and the way I dressed enabled me to become the first runner up in California’s Miss Newport Beach contest. I was also selected to serve on the Teen Fashion Guild for Bullocks Department Store, and I was hired as a dancer at Disneyland. In each of these capacities, appearance and demeanor was vitally important.
When I eventually entered the male-dominated business world of technology, I viewed every day as a dress rehearsal for the executive suite. In large organizations, executive succession planning is not limited to just those at the most senior levels. Succession planning goes all the way down to those in entry level roles. I learned early on that making it to the executive suite is all about consciously setting yourself up to be in the line of succession from day one.
For this and many other reasons, it’s important to always keep in mind — from the first time you interview with a company — first impressions can be long lasting. So, as a potential future candidate for senior leadership, why would you want to make it difficult on yourself by making a sub-optimal first impression?
Perhaps one of the most important career development lessons I ever learned was on my first day of Fortune 100 sales training: the best way to make a great first impression is to immediately present the best version of yourself to every new client. Although it takes time to really get to know people and prove your value, you can distinguish yourself as someone they should want to know in the first seven seconds. Like it or not, appearance matters.
From the earliest days of my F100 career, I therefore religiously followed the guidance of The Woman’s Dress for Success Book by John T Malloy. It never failed me. Of course, that was 40 years ago, and business was much more buttoned-up back then — most men and women in management wore business suits in those days.
Certainly, dress codes have relaxed significantly since then if they haven’t disappeared entirely. We no longer have tried-and-true formulas for dressing the part on every stage. That said, there is one timeless rule that never goes out of style: Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.
My personal rule of thumb, to this day, is to always dress up a bit more than everyone else. I try to look my professional-best, like a CEO should look — in business, in the community, and in the social realm. By doing so, I never feel out of place. I know that regardless of who I meet, I will generally always succeed in making a good impression during those oh-so-important first seven seconds.
Working mostly around men throughout my corporate career, I have always been conservative in terms of make-up, hair, and nails. Yes, I wear cosmetics, but I keep it professional and non-flamboyant. I have always worn my hair short, but that’s primarily to make it quick and easy for me to manage, given my hectic schedule.
How is this similar or different for men?
Since I’ve spent most of my career in male-dominated businesses, I’ve found it’s pretty much the same for men, at least for those in customer-centric or public-facing roles, where one is representing the company.
Ok super. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your opinion and experience, what are the “Five Things You Need To Thrive and Succeed as a Powerful Woman?” (Please share a story or example for each.)
Here is where I’m going to give you a little preview to my upcoming book, Strong Suit. The five things I recommend to thrive and succeed as a powerful woman are these:
Be open to outcomes, not dependent on them.
Be true to yourself.
Leverage your strong suits and help others do the same.
Invest in your team.
Create WOW at every step of the way.
What I mean by be open to outcomes is this: Virtually every powerful, beloved, and successful senior executive I know stumbled onto their current career path after initially heading in another direction. Don’t be afraid to try different jobs or career paths on for size.
Of course, it’s always good to have an end goal in mind and a plan to get there from the start. But charting a specific course to a pre-defined outcome does not have to be a life sentence. Always stand ready and willing to take advantage of serendipitous opportunities that may come along when you least expect it.
After working as a fashion designer for a few years, I found myself increasingly intrigued by what it took to run the business. Before long, I realized I would rather run my own business than work for someone else. But with just an AA degree in fashion design, I believed I needed stronger business acumen to be successful at the top. So, I went back to school with an intention to establish my own design firm once I had an MBA.
But, as I mentioned earlier, along the way I was offered an unpaid internship as an applications programmer for Raytheon Missile Systems division. This serendipitous opportunity propelled me in a completely different career direction, and I never looked back. I still had a goal to become a CEO yet kept my options open about the path to get there — and loved every day of my career.
Regarding the mantra, be true to yourself — whether you are just starting out or are well on your way up the ladder — your personal brand can be a tremendous asset, both to you and your organization. It’s similar to how a corporate brand is an important asset to a business.
Anyone who aspires to leadership should always strive to project the best version of themselves, from the get-go. Having a coach or mentor to advise you can be helpful. But don’t assume that all advice is good advice. Don’t blindly let anyone convince you to become someone you are not, and don’t try to force fit yourself into someone else’s image of perfection. Instead, do whatever it is that enables you to become the best version of your authentic self — the real you. Authenticity is at the core of charisma, and charisma is one big key to success.
I once watched a video interview of Angela Ahrendts, who at the time was the SVP of Apple Retail and the former CEO of Burberry. The interview was conducted at Fortune Magazine’s Most Powerful Women conference in 2016. I’ll never forget Angela’s story about learning to be true to herself. Here’s what she said:
I think it is so easy along the way to become incredibly insecure about everything you don’t know. I think along the way, people will tell you to — they will try to convince you to — become something that you’re not.
Early in my days, a man from Human Resources told me I was doing a good job, but I really wasn’t CEO material — that I needed a coach.
I was young, so I said, “Oh, OK.”
I was supposed to be in Minneapolis for a week so they could teach me how to present better, I guess. It was funny because the very first day they did these videos and then they played it back.
I liked it. I liked it! I felt the energy. I felt really positive. Then they spent the next five hours critiquing every single thing I did. “Don’t move your hands. You talk too fast,” you know.
At the end of the day, while I was supposed to be there all week long, I was so upset, I just looked at them and I said, “I like me. This is who I am. I don’t care if I become a CEO.”
Of course, we now know Angela eventually did become a CEO, and a very successful one at that, thanks to staying true to herself.
To leverage your strong suits and help others do the same, you need to know what your innate strengths and passions are. Likewise, for a leader to uniquely motivate and inspire each of your team members and drive overall team engagement, you must understand the strong suits of everyone on your team. In this way, not only will you experience greater joy from your own work, everyone around you will as well. When your team thrives, your organization will make a greater impact and you will become an even more successful leader.
Jodi Berg, the President and CEO of Vita-Mix Corporation, shared the following insights with me about the importance of understanding everyone’s strong suits:
Think about it. Surely you have a list of things that you do very well. If — on that list of things that you do so well — there are a few things that you not only do well, but you love to do and they give you energy, I call those things superpowers.
On the other hand, there may be things that you’re really good at, but they aren’t necessarily a superpower because you don’t enjoy doing them.
For example, I can read financial reports right up there with the best of them yet doing so gives me no energy. I know I must do it, but it’s not my favorite activity. In fact, I must force myself to dig into financial reports because, honestly, it sucks the energy right out of me. It’s like kryptonite to me. So, even though I’m good at it, reading financial reports is not a superpower for me.
Now try to identify your own superpowers — the things that you are really good at and that give you energy. Then, try to focus spending as much time as possible during your workday enacting your superpowers. If you focus your time on using your superpowers, by the end of the day, when you go home, you might even have more energy than when you started the day! At the very least, you won’t have used up all your energy at work, so you won’t go home completely exhausted.
I like to help other people discover this about themselves. The first thing I do when I try to help people identify their superpowers — the things that they love to do and that they do extremely well — is determine if they can even tell me what those things are. If they don’t know, I will suggest that they might want to ask the people who are closest to them, “What do you think I do really, really well?”
When I can talk to somebody one-on-one and help them discover something about themselves that they did not even know was there, that gives me energy. That’s a superpower for me. Then, as soon we can identify their superpower — and I can help them find a way to enact it — it becomes a superpower for them. My superpower is finding their superpowers that they didn’t even realize they had. It’s so amazing!
A top priority for most successful leaders is to build, develop and retain great teams. To thrive and succeed as a powerful woman it’s vital to invest in your team — to bring out the best in each of them. Enabling your team members to live each day with passion and purpose will pay dividends. Not only will they be grateful to have you for a boss, but you will never have to worry about your own success, because they will have your back.
On the other hand, if you only invest in yourself and you don’t enjoy removing the roadblocks that may be impeding your team’s efforts, then accept the fact that you may become their biggest impediment. You might also become the biggest impediment to your own success, as well.
I loved the insight shared by Lt. General Kathy Gainey when I asked her, “As you were promoted through the ranks, what was usually your primary focus?”
I quickly learned that people are your most important resource. If you invest in people, they will take care of you. When you make a mistake, they will correct it. When you need to know something — if you have created an environment where they can candidly share information with you and not lose their head, not be yelled at, or screamed at — then they will share things with you that you need to know, particularly when things are not going quite right and need to get fixed.
People who feel cared about will be the ones to volunteer. Like when you need people to work the week-end shift, instead of ordering them you can simply ask, “Who would volunteer to work this weekend? If you are willing to take this on, I’ll compensate you other days.”
If you take care of people and you help them advance — if you coach and mentor them, if you get them into the schools they need, if you encourage them to take jobs that maybe they don’t feel confident in, if you enable them to maximize their potential — then they will be there for you.
If you are invested in them, they will be there for you. I found that creating effective teams was the most critical component of my success.
Thriving and succeeding as a powerful woman is way more hands-on than business schools would have you believe. You must create an environment where you sincerely value and support your entire workforce. It’s all about creating a WOW factor culture.
Especially in times like these, when costs are skyrocketing out of control, when good help is harder than ever to find, and when a disgruntled customer’s social media post can become your worst nightmare, your ability to create WOW at every step of the way could make all the difference between just getting by and achieving success beyond your wildest dreams.
What truly differentiates one organization from another is having a leadership ladder full of people who excel at soft skills. Heartfelt leaders who treat everyone the way that they would want to be treated themselves, day-in and day-out, at every turn, are the ones who make the magic happen.
While it should start at the top and permeate all the way down, it’s your entry level leaders — those who work closely with everyone on the front line to get all the roadblocks out of the way — who really create the WOW. Focus on building a team full of those kind of leaders — heartfelt leaders.
I’ll never forget something my favorite manager did for me some years ago, when I accepted the opportunity to run a division within her organization. She gave me a magic wand. A Disneyesque kind of thing, it had a clear plastic handle with thousands of tiny, shiny, multi-colored, glittery stars floating around inside of it. You could shake it — like you would do with a snow globe — and it would look so magical, so WOW.
When she gave this magic wand to me, she said, ‘You might need this from time to time, so here you go. This should work like magic for you. It certainly has for me.”
Best. Gift. Ever. When I shared this story with Jodi Berg, CEO of Vita-Mix, she said to me:
WOW is something that we use a lot in our own culture at Vitamix. We’ve incorporated WOW not just into our Value of Customers statement — Listen, Learn, and Create the WOW — but on our production line we actually have a WOW station. It’s the last station on the line where somebody will go through and do just one more look — like, “Is everything in here?”
I look at it this way: If I were the customer opening this box and experiencing the delivery of my new Vitamix, directly from Vitamix, would I experience the WOW?
Amongst ourselves internally, we jokingly say, “Now, don’t forget to sprinkle a little bit of WOW dust in there” so when the box is opened, it just catches people, and they’ll experience the WOW.
I think your magic WOW wand might even be better than WOW dust!
How could you possibly not thrive and succeed as a powerful woman if everyone reporting to you incorporates WOW into everything they do?
We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them.
I would love to have breakfast or lunch with financial journalist, news anchor, and author, Maria Bartiromo. I admire her unflappable wit, her breadth of business knowledge, the range of programs she hosts each week, and the fact that she has interviewed virtually every Fortune 500 CEO and financial expert out there during her 30 years covering business and the economy. She is quite a role model to me, and I would love to interview her.
Thank you for these fantastic insights. We greatly appreciate the time you spent on this.