You Gotta Know When to Push Back

October 2021

Sometimes going along just to get along is appropriate. At other times, it’s the last thing you should do. How often do you choose the easier path?  

Do you tend to just suck it up when your boss strongarms you into working late or over a weekend to meet a “critical” deadline—even if it means missing your child’s school performance or an important family event? How do you handle being asked to do something that clearly violates your personal values? At what point are you willing to put your job on the line versus simply going along, against your better judgement?

If above-and-beyond requests from on high are rare inconveniences, that’s one thing. But when such requests become de rigueur, or when they cross the ethics line, then it’s time to push back.  I’m not saying you should make a habit of being disagreeable just to prove you can’t be pushed around. But it is important to call out potentially harmful trends or unprincipled directives.  When unreasonable demands from above detrimentally impact you, your direct reports, or others within or beyond the organization, it’s up to you—regardless of your rank—to stand up and push back for what’s right.

Admittedly, my typical modus operandi is to exude a positive, can-do attitude. For years I’ve heard feedback about how gracious and optimistic I am. Yes, I try to be a good role model in that regard because people prefer to work with those who are discerning and good natured.

You may recall in my blog last month, I mentioned that the leaders I have most admired and respected throughout my career never took themselves too seriously. They had great attitudes. They were nice to be around. Yet, they also stood up for what they believed in. They pushed back when a potentially detrimental directive came down from above—and they inspired me to do the same.

I’ll never forget the first time I was told I was “too nice”. It caught me off guard and I learned a great lesson from it. More importantly, I chose to up my style game rather than conform to more common behavioral standard. Here’s what happened:

My first career was as a fashion designer in southern California. I designed swimwear for teenage girls and young women.  Back in the day, what set swimwear lines apart was the design and coloration of the fabrics. Therefore, my primary efforts focused on fabric design, working with fabric houses in New York.

Back then, there was a huge cultural difference between the fashion world of Los Angeles and that of New York. The LA culture was chill and low key while NY was hustle-bustle and demanding. The industry people in NY were generally loud, aggressive, impatient, and—by my standards—rude.  They seemed taken aback by my happy-to-know-you demeanor.

One day, things were especially tense at this one NY firm. Literally everyone was yelling at each other.  Meanwhile, I maintained my cool and kept a smile on my face. As the owner stamped into the room with arms flailing, cussing out someone behind her, I simply smiled, extended my right hand, and said a cheerful “Good morning!”.

She finally calmed down and we conducted our business. My focus was on negotiating win-win terms for my next season’s project. Stunned that I wasn’t relentlessly driving the hardest possible bargain I could through outrageous demands, the owner finally paused, took a deep breath, cocked her head, and said in a quiet tone, “Honey, you’re never going to make it in this industry. You’re too nice.”

Perhaps she was right. But I was not about to fall into the abyss of toxic behavior. Instead, I stuck to my guns and treated her team with kindness and respect while negotiating what I needed most from every deal. I also made sure that they got what they needed most, and I assured them that I would be their best reference account if they treated me the same way. 

As a result, they always bent over backwards to deliver on their promises. They rarely circled back with subsequent demands or excuses. In the event I needed to push back on a price point or a delivery schedule, they usually coalesced. I may have been the only client with whom they did so.

Thanks to that early experience, I learned when and how to push back to obtain a win-win outcome. That philosophy has served me well throughout my life, both personally and professionally.

These days, I regularly coach and mentor leaders at all levels on how to push back, especially in the toughest situations. We strategize on how to maintain personal dignity while achieving the best possible outcomes for the broadest base of stakeholders. I call this my Infinite-Win strategy.

I find many managers—especially in the VP ranks—are reluctant to push back in high visibility situations, typically out of fear of losing one’s job or the next big promotion.

For example, when the Board offers a huge incentive to a CEO for achieving a particular goal, the CEO typically delegates seemingly non-negotiable responsibilities. Those at the next level down may question the rationale, but if the CEO is insistent, they will in turn drive orders downline. Over time, without any pushback from someone within the chain of command, such behavior becomes the norm. Lower-level staff assumes they have no choice but to carry out unreasonable demands, no matter how it impacts them personally, out of fear of being replaced. And so, it continues.

Regardless of your rank, it’s up to you to push back if, after thoroughly assessing the situation, you believe decisions made at the top will detrimentally impact the organization or its stakeholders. For the greater good, someone must step up to pass the specific risk information back up the chain of command.  Role model leaders take that responsibility, else they become part of the problem.

For an excellent example of a military officer who put their career on the line for their beliefs—in an extremely high visibility situation—check out the Whistleblower Affidavit of Lieutenant Colonel Theresa Long, MD.

Pushing back when the risks clearly outweigh the benefit for the greater good—when it’s clearly the right thing to do—is what role model leaders do, regardless of the potential personal impact.  At least when you do, you’ll be able to hold your head high for standing up for your beliefs.